


Can we recover?

by lydiamxrtin



Series: Malex week 2020 [6]
Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Teen Malex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-18
Updated: 2020-07-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:07:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25351363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lydiamxrtin/pseuds/lydiamxrtin
Summary: Malex day 6 - Prompt: What song says Malex.Recover by RuelleMichael and Alex separately wonder if they can heal from the wounds they have inflicted on each other and themselves.
Relationships: Michael Guerin/Alex Manes
Series: Malex week 2020 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1828822
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	Can we recover?

**Author's Note:**

> Second to last day of Malex week, what a ride its been! So for this fic, I took the lyrics of Ruelle's 'Recover' and wrote a malex inspired scene underneath them.
> 
> This fic takes place a few months after Alex had left for the air force.

**"Can you see me? I can barely see myself"**

Michael sits on the cold metal bench, his whole body feeling tense and painful. Michael lent his head against the back wall, looking up at the ceiling. He hears the door open to the main room, Michael doesn't need to look up to know who it is.

"Sheriff," He says in a mocking tone.

"I'm not the sheriff Michael," Max sighs, walking closer to the cell door. "What happened," He asked.

Michael pulled his head down to see Max stood there, his arms crossed tight over his chest. "You know, same old, same old," Michael says, a mocking smile on his face.

Max groaned, reaching up to rub a hand down his face. "I can't keep bailing you out, Michael," Max said, resting his hand on the cell bar.

Michael pushed himself off the bench, walking towards Max, "I'm not asking you to Max," He spits, tilting his head to the side.

Max gives a heavy sigh, "What happened to you man?" Max finally said, his eyebrows pulled together. "I barely recognise you?" He continued.

Michael looked away from Max, scrunching his face up for a moment. Michael hadn't recognised himself since-Michael felt his stomach cramp, his lungs tightening. Michael pushed the thought out of his mind, feeling the familiar rage coursing through his body. The cell door rattling a little.

"You're my brother Michael, I just want you to be okay," Max said a little louder. Michael turned back around to look at Max, he barley recognised him as well, they all looked so much older now, shame and guilt always just behind their eyes. Max reached out and unlocked the door, Michael walked forward, instantly pushing pass Max towards the exit and out into the warm sun.

Alex laid on the uncomfortable bed, his leg hanging off the edge and his back leaning against the wall. In Alex's hand were a few pictures he brought with him. He looked down at the picture of himself, Maria and Liz. They were hanging out in the desert having some drinks when Liz said she had brought her polaroid. In the picture, they were all smiling and laughing, Maria's arms wrapped around both of them as Liz held the camera out. Alex knew it was him in the picture, he remembered taking it but he couldn't quite see himself. Alex wasn't sure the last time he's smiled like that, _that wasn't true_ he told himself, he did remember the last time he smiled. Alex felt an ache in his chest, his heart not being able to handle thinking back to those times,

"Damn you look different there Manes," Someone said next to Alex. He looked up to see one of the boys called Theo stood next to his bed, looking down at the photos. In the photo, Alex was wearing a black and red flame jumpers, his eyeliner and handcuff necklace. The guy gave a small laugh, "You're like a whole new person," He said, patting Alex on the shoulder as he walked away. Alex looked down at the photo, under the photo he could see his plain grey joggers matching his top. Alex's eyes glanced over at his hands, his nails plain, unlike the photo. Alex leaned back against the wall, looking up at the ceiling. His hair no longer failing to the side, its short cut keeping it from moving.

"A whole new person," Alex muttered, thinking how much he missed the old person he was.

**"Empty vapour, where there used to be our view. Cloudy layers, when the sky was crystal blue"**

Michael walked across the gravel floor, jumping into his truck that had been brought to the station, probably by Max. Michael flung the door open and jumped in, noticing for the first time how his ribs and jaw ached. Michael just sat there for a moment. _What happened to you man?_ Max had known the answer to that, well, not the whole answer but an enough of it. Michael rested his head against the headrest, Michael looked in his rearview mirror, the bed of the truck was empty, just covered in dusk and dirt. Before Michael could stop himself a memory forced its way into his mind.

_Alex and Michael laid in the bed of the truck, pillows and blankets around them, "It's only a few hours drive, I can visit all the time," Alex said, his hand entwined with Michael's_

_"You better," Michael teased, looking over at Alex, a playful smile on his face._

_Alex rolled over in the truck bed, resting on top of Michael. "Like I could stay away from you for long," He flirted. Michael leaned down and placed a kiss on Alex's lips, Alex deepening the kiss as he reached up to stroke Michael's face._

Michael clenched his hands around the wheel, closing his eyes. A stray tear ran down Michael's face. Michael roughly rubbed it away with his shoulder, turning the engine on and pulling out of the lot.

Alex shuffled through the photo's a little more, the next one of Liz and Alex at the Crashdown having milkshakes. Alex gave a small smile, Alex moved the photo to the back and froze. In front of him was a photo of Alex and Michael, stood in the desert with their guitars,

_"Do we have to do this?" Alex sighed, his arms awkwardly hanging down by his hips. Michael walked over to him, leaning his guitar against a wall. Michael reached out and wrapped his arms around Alex's waist._

_"Oh come on," Michael teased, "I need a photo of us to take with me," He said, smiling. Alex smiled back, giving a laugh, watching as Michael's eyes seemed to shine._

_Alex leaned forward and kissed Michael, "Okay, only if I get a copy," Alex said, taking a step back from Michael._

_"Of course, I'd never deprive you of this," Michael joked, pointing to himself. Alex laughed again, neither of the boys noticing that the camera went off._

Alex smiled at the photo for a moment, remembering how happy they were that day, how even amongst all the pain and tragedy they still had each other. Even though it was hard and tough, they had each other; until they didn't, and everything stopped making sense.

**"It's like we're dreaming wide awake. Everything bends until it breaks"**

Michael drove down the road towards his air streamer, leaning one arm against the windowsill. Michael kept that memory of him and Alex pushed back in his brain, hidden behind walls and doors. Even after what happened with Rosa, Michael and Alex had still found some peace in each other, Michael was still planning on going to UNM. Only a day or two after that memory did Michael realise that going to UNM would never happen, then Alex's dad increased the pressure about signing up. Michael hadn't realised it at the time but that was the beginning of the end. The demands grew for Alex, the grief and shame grew for Michael until they both had so much weight on their shoulders that their relationship could no longer hold. They pushed and bent their relationship and trust so much until it broke.

When Alex thought back to him and Michael in the truck, laying in the sun, he couldn't help but start to see the holes he didn't see at the time. The way Michael hesitated when Alex talked about going to see him at UNM, the way Alex hesitated when Michael spoke about staying in Roswell with him when he knew full well his dad was pressuring him to leave for the airforce. Alex thought that they could bend and not break, that they could handle the pressure and come through the other side stronger, together. But that didn't happen, they kept bending and bending until they finally broke. Taking all the pain and anguish out on each other. Michael had changed, Alex knew that, and he knew it was because of what Jesse did, but he always thought there was more. Something that stopped him hanging out with Max and Isabel, something that stopped him from going to UNM but Michael never said, and whatever it was it finally broke him, sending Alex crashing down with him.

**"Are we too frozen inside to feel the flame?"**

Michael pulled into the lot, carefully slipping out of the truck and heading towards the trailer. Michael pulled open the door and walked inside, collapsing down onto the bed. Michael just started up at the roof, the adrenaline and emotions from earlier altercations starting to ware off leaving him with the near-constant numb feeling he had developed since what happened to Rosa, which only grew when Alex left. As Michael thought about Alex; his messy hair, warm kind eyes, and gentle soul, Michael felt a rush of feeling through him. The affection that Alex had shown Michael was something he'd never experienced, the way Alex always was concerned about Michael, wanted to make sure he was okay. Michael gave a smile as he thought about the kind boy. The smile faded as his emotions headed towards the inevitable end. Michael felt the anguish in his chest as he thought about Alex telling him his dad wanted him to sign up, the conflict inside him as Alex begged Michael to tell him what was wrong, what he could do to help, and the impending disappointment when Michael found out Alex had left. The rush of emotions passed, leaving Michael with the smallest sense of grief. Michael wondered if he'd ever be able to think about Alex Manes without the onslaught of pain and hurt. If he'd ever just be able to concentrate the good. Part of Michael told himself, he was being stupid, that he'd feel this way about someone again but with the pain and anger. Another louder part told Michael he was wrong; the death of Rosa, the betrayal of Jesse and Alex, had frozen Michael's insides to a point he wasn't sure there would be a feeling strong enough to thaw it.

"One of them your girlfriend Manes?" Theo asked from the bed across, his back also resting against the wall. Alex frowned for a moment before he realised that he was referring to the picture of him with Liz and Maria.

Alex wasn't exactly in the closet, but he wasn't exactly out either. He had decided it was just best to keep that information to himself, "No," Alex said, his eyes never moving from the ceiling.

Theo made a noise but Alex didn't really hear. "You know this will be a lot easier if you just try to enjoy it," Theo spoke. Alex frowned even though no one could see it. All the boys here were new, fresh and eager to start their new carers in the airforce; accept Alex. That wasn't completely true Alex told himself, but he had no desire to bond, to make connections with people here. "I'm sure you're capable of that," The guy joked. Alex kept his eyes up to the ceiling, the white plaster above growing more blurry by the second. Alex enjoyed being challenged, he enjoyed winning but the word 'enjoyed' didn't really seem to it. Alex _felt something_ when he won, something that wasn't anger or sorrow, something that was numbness.

"I'm not sure anymore," Alex quietly admitted. When Alex had left Roswell, part of him had stayed. The part that laughed, the part the was happy, they were still left in that shed, locked up there. Alex had hoped combat, winning, would break them free, allow his heart to thaw but as Alex looked up at the ceiling, a tear tracking down his face, he wasn't sure.

**"Can we start over? Say it's not over"**

Michael pushed himself up on the bed, walking over to his makeshift desk and sitting down, looking at all the papers in front of him. Michael reached into his pocket emptying them on the table, putting his keys in a pot and his other crap in the draw. Michael pulled his phone out, placing it in the middle of the table. Michael looked down at it, his hands twitching next to it. Michael reached out and grabbed it, opening it and going to his messages.

_10th 2:45pm - Wanna met tomorrow, I miss you?_

_12th 1:00pm - You okay? xx_

_14th 8:03am - What happened to you last night? I thought you we were meeting?_

_17th 4:56pm - See you in an hour x_

Michael scrolled through the messages between him and Alex, scanning over his replies but reading Alex's messages word for word, still able to hear his voice. Their messages were simple like they were normal kids. Arranging to meet, talking about school and work. As Michael scrolled more he could see the cracks again, Michael not showing up, Alex cancelling until he reached the last message.

29th 10:03pm - I'm sorry, AM

The day Alex had left, at the time Michael hadn't known, he'd been locked up after stealing the hubcaps off of Valenti's car. He knew Alex would be leaving that week but not that day. Michael had gotten home and eventually opened his phone to see the message. Once he'd seen it, he knew what it meant. Michael hovered his finger over the call button. _Just call_ he told himself. Michael wanted nothing to hear Alex's voice, to know he was okay. Michael told himself they just needed to speak, they could clear all of this up and start again. If they could fix it, fix them it would make it all worth it, all the crap and agony they'd gone through.

**"Is there a light at the end? A place where we start again"**

Alex placed the photo next to him, glancing at it for a moment. Alex leaned over the bed, rummaging through his bag. Alex pulled up his note pad and pen, sitting back up on the bed. He flipped open the book, landing on the same page he always did.

_Dear Michael..._

Alex looked down at the words. Underneath were several sentences written out and then crossed out.

I want to say I'm sorry,

The reason I left was

I hope you are well

Alex twisted the pen in his hand. Placing it on the page but writing nothing.

 _Michael_ , he started on a new page. _I hope you are doing okay, I have wanted to write for a while but haven't known what to say..._ Alex stared down at the page, tapping the pen against it. If only Alex could explain himself, just tell Michael what was going on, why he left. Make Michael understand why he had to go, maybe-maybe then they could start again.

**"Where there's a hunger within, These wounded hearts can mend."**

Michael kept his finger over the call button, as much as he wanted to deny it, to change it Michael's feelings for Alex hadn't changed. They may be buried, hidden under anguish and regret but they were still there. Michael wondered if that was enough, if the pure fact that he still loved Alex would be enough to fix everything that had gone wrong. Michael didn't even know what he would say to Alex. there was so much he wanted to tell him; the pods, who they were, Rosa. Michael clenched his hand around his phone, _Rosa,_ when that had happened, Michael had wanted nothing more than to go to Alex, to tell him what had happened but he couldn't, he didn't even know if Alex would forgive him or even understand. Michael told himself that Alex was kind, that he'd understand why Michael did what he did. Maybe Alex could help him heal, help him fix what had been broken.

Alex stared down at the page, he still didn't know what he wanted to say to Michael. _That was a lie_ , he told himself, he knew what he wanted to say to Michael. He wanted to tell Michael how much he loved him, how sorry he was for leaving, how he'd spent every day at basic training wishing he was still back with Michael. But Alex didn't write those words, he didn't know if Michael would even want to hear them. He told himself that Michael felt the same, that he was sure there was still love there. But then Alex thought about their last conversation; how they yelled at each other, cried, begged the other for something they couldn't give; whether it was honest or something as simple as staying.

**"Can we recover? Can we get over this? Are we too deep in the night to see the day?"**

Michael placed the phone back down on the table and just looked at it. The sun began to set and the trailer grew darker. Michael picked up his phone and walked back over to his bed, lying down. Michael held his phone close to his chest. Michael looked over to the side and out of the window, the stars flickering against the black night. Michael wanted to believe that one day he and Alex could start over, put what had happened behind them and start again. But there was an anger in Michael that always seemed to be at breaking point, he was angry at Alex for leaving, for abandoning Michael in Roswell when he needed him most, for walking away. Michael looked away from the sky, holding his phone up at his face. Alex's details were still there on the screen.

_I hope you are okay?_

Michael typed out, then after a moment, he deleted it.

_I miss you_

He retyped, staring down at the words. Michael delated the message again and sighed, biting his lip.

_Why did you leave me?_

Michael finally typed out, biting the inside of his cheek. Michael wanted to forgive Alex, he wanted to be able to love him without the sick feeling in his stomach that came along with it. Michael wondered if it was too late, if they'd been in the dark for too long and there was no way out. The screen grew blurrier as Michael reread the message, Michael hovered over the send button, his hand shaking a little. Maybe one day they would be okay Michael told himself, maybe one day they'd recover, but Michael wasn't sure if that day was today.

_I'm sorry for leaving, after what had happened you changed, and I panicked, so I left but I was wrong. But you wouldn't talk to me, you wouldn't let me help and I didn't know what else to do. I wanted to be useful, I wanted to win for once. I was wrong to leave and I regret it every day I'm not with you. Yours now and forever, AM._ Alex put his pen down on his bed, staring down at the paper. Alex told himself that this would fix it, that this would take them back to those boys who laid out in the truck in the sun. But what if Michael never responded, what if Michael couldn't forgive him for leaving. Could Alex forgive himself he wondered? Alex picked up the letter and studied it, rereading it and rereading it.

"You sending a letter to someone?" Another kid asked from across the room.

Alex looked down at his letter, the words he wanted to say to Michael, the words that could potentially pull them out of the dark and back into the light, or maybe plunge them into eternal darkness. Alex folded the letter in half, holding it carefully in his hand, "Maybe" He quietly said. Alex reached his arm over the bed and placed the note on top of his bag, leaning back on the bed looking out the window across the room, "One day," He finally said, "But not today," He whispered, feeling the ache in his chest grow. Maybe they could recover Alex told himself trying to lessen the pain, maybe they could start again, or maybe they'd always be lost in the dark of what if and maybes. Alex looked at the white moon outside the window, thinking back to the times he and Michael would watch the stars and wondered if Michael was watching them too. Alex told himself that Michael was somewhere night now looking at the same moon and stars as he was, the thought of that gave Alex some hope that one day they could recover, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but eventually.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, sorry this fic is a bit angsty but I just couldn't help myself!


End file.
